Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?