Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Beards are a privilege, not a right
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now