We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?