Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.