Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.