the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
You Might Also Like
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Incredible customer service.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me