I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
secret recipe
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.