You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.