Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Friends that check up on you >
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Risking my life for fun.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A family that plays together cheats.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!