A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”