I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
do what now??
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The internet is full of many things
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.