if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.