My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
You Might Also Like
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
🤔😂😂
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!