Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.