Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Rambo Rambow
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
taking June’s advice to heart
SPLOOT
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.