Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I think we should hear other voices.
*me flirting
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Saturday
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.