COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?