Punctuation Matters. Period.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
yes… yes…
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents