wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only