SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
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Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Print is alive and well!!!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?