I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
For those that worship cheese..
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.