I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.