Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.