If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: