me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
cat vs inanimate object
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.