The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.