I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?