Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know