I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.