Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Customer is always right
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.