When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.