*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!