Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
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2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket