ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
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Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
me 2 months after i graduated
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same