I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I canât love her back. Itâs nice when problems resolve themselves.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*Removes âLoves to bakeâ from online dating profile
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Havenât been invited to a single wedding this year.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love themđ
Elton John: Mars ainât the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact itâs cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
âur password is weakâ well so is my memory so please let me keep it
â40 times.â
âWhat are you talking about?â
âThatâs how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.â
âOkay, so whatâs your point?â
âMy point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.â
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I was going to have a proper career by 30. Iâm 47.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubbleâ
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor