listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”