STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
You Might Also Like
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I had to Stop for this
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables