I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Friday night party time 🥳
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Looking at you, Jesus.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*