ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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im all 3
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18