“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I will never stop laughing at this
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I love wikipedia
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.