Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Well, this is awkward
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses