5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
You Might Also Like
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If only.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.