Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Check out the legs on this baby
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
But that’s none of my business
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO