People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…