When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
multitasking lunch
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.