Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian