Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.