[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.