[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries