I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!