This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!